i'm exhausted.
i never want to sound like i'm whining...but i'm just exhausted! here's why...
obvious reason - i'm making a human being. and what a blessing i know this is! we are more than excited about having a child & being parents, it just wears a girl's body out! i am very thankful that bubba has been understanding in this area. sweet thing even did laundry last night! i hear this is just preparation for after the baby arrives...and well, someone even said for the next 18 years! :)
another reason...and really this is more emotional than physical... we are praying about what the plans are for my job next fall. i am working 58 miles/62 minutes from home right now at my alma mater. i've enjoyed working here and getting to see my mom & nephews every day... things are changing here, and honestly i've lost the joy i had for teaching. part of this is because i haven't taught the same subject two years in a row... i've taught 4 years & had 3 different principals (& a year without a principal at all)! and really, i believe my focus is changing to the future of my family more than anything... some suggestions have been to get a teaching job in desoto county - which is definitely an option - i just don't feel the desire to make another change! my desire is to stay at home, but i don't think that would be smart financially... and i feel bad "quitting" on all the hard work i put in during college & those last few years of teaching... i'm praying that the Lord change my heart & mold my thoughts in whatever direction he would have for us as a family!
now, i know how selfish this sounds, which is another reason i'm exhausted! spiritually, i am dry! i was convicted last night while chad was talking about this... this has been a prayer of mine for about the last month. i've shared it with bubba, and we've prayed about it together, but i've really kept it from my friends/bfg. i am in a massive season of blessing right now, and i'm SO thankful for each of those blessings! i just can't seem to get myself into a consistent routine of being in God's word. (ouch). i'm reading 4-5 books right now - some for school/work, some for bible studies, some for pleasure... and i can't seem to find time to read my bible consistently... don't get me wrong, i get behind in all those other books too. bro. chad made a comment a few weeks back that if we really wanted to be in God's word, we would be.....and i know this is true. if i want to watch a tv show, i do. if i want to stay up & clean the kitchen, i will... if i really wanted to read God's word, i would... which brings spiritual exhaustion...
i'm also battling alongside a friend that is going through a time of anxiety/depression. i feel like i beat myself over the head trying to make sure she is encouraged/loved/pushed/held/called/sent scripture to/prayed for/etc, and i don't feel like i see the effort or results on her side. that is more than frustrating, but i have to remember my job is to point her to Christ...not to a better friendship with me...AND without Christ, she can't (& won't) change.
now i'm not to the point of no return by any means! it's just monday morning, and i'm physically exhausted...which seems to magnify all these other areas of my life... :) i thought i could be honest here and get some things out. don't think this has gotten me in a hole, i promise i still have peace & joy! :) above all, i claim Matthew 6:33 here and Proverbs 3:5-6 more than anything... i know the Lord has his hands on my life and has not forsaken me. i know he has a plan. and i know the only place i can find rest is in Him...my Jehovah Jirah. pray that the Lord convicts my heart & that i repent & change where i need to. pray that he continues to mold my heart & thoughts into the direction he would have me go as the wife/mother in our family.
thanks for listening. :)
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5 comments:
hey whitney! you should apply to work at my school :) i LOVE it here! so excited for your little one to be coming. what an exciting time!
Sounds like God is already changing your heart toward your growing family. I have found that working part time is best for my family and sanity- I get to spend my children's baby years with them (they grow so incredibly fast) and I also get a break (which makes me a better mother and wife). He will show you and he WILL provide.
I'm very thankful you're honest! I'm often not because too many people too close to me/us read mine! [ie. family (esp. mom)] I, too, am in a very dry season, which is difficult since we jumpstarted a new SS class this fall for young couples. Talk about not really being much of a leader! David is continually taking a much bigger role in church where I seem to be fading. I don't feel like I fit in at all since most of our SS "friends" are air force; we're out of place! Things are coming around, but it's still difficult. I wish I could have been a stay-at-home mom; if that is what works for you guys, I honestly hope you can. You're in my thoughts! I have nothing profound to share, but we love and miss you guys! Hugs!
Honesty, vulnerability, those are the things that can lead us closer to Christ and closer to others. We're not hiding behind a mask of being able to do it all, or live up to what everyone else expects. We're simply stating that we are human, normal. It is amazing to me too, that while I can be going through an incredible time of blessing, I can be so dry. The word "dry" so true to what it means especially in this situation. We are dry, parched, need nourishment and fulfillment, and we know exactly where to get it...the hard thing is getting it. For me, it reminds me of a dry cracked piece of land and as water is poured on it, it doesn't get soaked or filled right away, but it takes alot of water to finally make it moldable again. Thats me...I need lots of moments where God speaks directly to me throught His word, and others, to make me start to soften and understand what He's up to. Sorry this was so long :) I think I'm more just typing, to type out my own feelings and dryness at times. Love you, and appreciate your openness!
Dev got a piece of Facebook flair when she was pregnant that justified her tiredness....
"I'm making a human - what did you do today?"
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